What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

Would this be the day?

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

When she asked me how she looked .

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I am glad you enjoyed my pictures. Do you have any photos to share?

I did it because my mum asked me too!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

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(And it was in our own minds.)

As i do to all so called friends.?

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

She married twice! .

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I was writing from the time i was a small child.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Is it normal to hate my dog, but feel too guilty to get rid of him?

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Especially a lifetime of it.

She was in good health!

How many wishes do people get on their birthday?

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

I was seconnd youngest,

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My mum and dad in the seventies!

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

It was going to be , some day.

But it wasn’t much.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

She loved him until the end.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Was to survive, this bastard.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

We were not on the streets..

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

This is soul school!.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

We all went to grammer schools

So, i spoilt her more .

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

What did i know ?

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

I waited trembling.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

My family never makes their pension either.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

He knew the spot.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

And i lived it daily.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

And who doesn’t know suffering?

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

She wouldn,t have been !

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

The only rule us 5 kids had .

My life is so biszare .

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I think the readers, may guess!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

One cannot live in the past .

I could never make a relationship work though!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

I said to her

I was very sick at this time too.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

So whats the point in blame.

All the time i was locked up.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I was scared of men, in general

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

But ive been too sick for many years..

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

I write beautiful poetry .

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

Ive learnt so much.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Put me off passion for life!!

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

She found it foreign!.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Im still living with it.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

I will be 64.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Why did i forgive my father ?

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

I don,t even have a pension.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I never cut or harmed myself..

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Comes on , in middle age.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Who then, do I blame.?

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I couldn’t, believe it.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

He resisted the act ,that day.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

I have no regrets .

I was 9 years of age.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

But, we were locked up after school.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Thats was my nicest nick name for him